What to say when you don't know what to say

Most people who say nothing are not indifferent. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they wait until it feels too late, and then the silence becomes its own problem.

Saying something imperfect is almost always better than saying nothing. Bereaved people rarely remember the exact words. They remember who showed up.

Things that help

Short, specific and honest works better than eloquent:

• "I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say." — this is a complete and good message
• "I've been thinking about you all week."
• Say the person's name. People are often frightened to, and the family usually longs to hear it
• Tell them a specific memory, especially one they might not know
• "I'm bringing dinner on Thursday, is six alright?" — an offer with a time attached

Things that tend to land badly

All of these are said with love, and most still hurt:

• "Let me know if you need anything" — it moves the work onto the person least able to do it
• "At least they had a long life" — any sentence starting "at least" diminishes the loss
• "They're in a better place" — only if you know it is their belief
• "I know exactly how you feel" — you might be close, but the claim shifts the subject to you
• "Everything happens for a reason"

Afterwards matters more

The messages arrive in the first fortnight, and then they stop — usually just as the practical work ends and the quiet begins.

Put a note in your calendar for a month, three months, and the first anniversary. A message on a date nobody else remembered is worth more than a card in the first week.

Birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest days. RememberedBy can remind you of them, so you do not have to hold the date yourself.

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